where's this all going

conversations

overhearing others tutorial seems to be a lot more about technique and other relevant artist,
Feel like I still need babysitting and that there's lot of talk about what I'm trying to say/get across, which messes with my head as it's also about not analysing our work, not being critical but also critiqueing what we're doing. don't want all the support to be like emperors new clothes which is why I'm hard on myself, but useful to talk through other peoples processes.

Take away points were that, right now, the course is about developing habits 
"the job of an artist is cultivating the habit of making work"

If i stick to just doing then i'll be ok. ish. th

Being given permission to be cheesy...talk of cliches and avoiding it.
Being an apologist will get boring eventually. I hope.

Still feel I guess that making the murmurations full of lovely sunset colours and ooh aren't the birds lovely isn't what I want. 
I'm not sure passive-aggressive art exists as an -ism yet but guess that's what i'm doing, all pretty dark and depressing. Yes, it's looks pretty and it's amazing but it's not. Constantly wanting to force people to lift the veils, drop the scales and see. Wonder when I'll get fed up of trying to foist my angst onto other people and can return to making nice pictures.

It's been a weird couple of weeks.
Following my colleagues examples of dismissing threats and aggressive behaviour, the aggression and potential for confrontation and violence have caught up,
I don't want to sleep, a)because I can't, b) because I probably don't want to have nightmares c) I don't want to wake up and still feel anxious.

Not had these feelings that I finally recognise as fear for a long time. I've not missed them and it's hard not to fall into preocupied brittle victim mode and anger is pointless.

Realise staying tall and strong takes energy and I've depleted mine, conversations about the course being a counterweight to all the things we have to do and be was useful but I've yet to find a process that does that and then leads to creativity.

Think that's what being present with the murmurations does, it's an uneasy waiting, there may be a reward, and if they do happen it blows you away. Like a audible injection of a bit more life force and chutzpah. Or maybe it's the flapjack that I buy in the mobile tea van before I walk to the heath...
So a clusterfuck of things at work to drain me, get my thinking out of proportion
1. dealing with the consequences of an unexpected death.
2. making decisions about a planned death and how quickly it should happen.
3. the potential for violence and my own end because of violent threats from someone who is now safe leaving me feeling unsafe and waiting for what happens next.

It's all par for the course stuff on mondays and tuesdays. 
like always when i see it in black and white, no wonder i feel a bit strung out. time for white coffee and dark chocolate to lighten the mood.